| morning |
[Feb. 26th, 2008|07:08 am] |
I'm so happy because my internet works outside of my house on the steps. Im taking the wireless off someone elses connection cause we cant afford to get the internet right now. But this is great because now i can make daily posts. I think this will be healthy for me. When i was seeing a therapist she said for someone whos a compulsive thinker(like me) its good to write down thoughts and schedules because it makes you feel like they are set in stone once they are on paper...and someonewhere else besides your head.
Today so far iv had a couple pieces of baguette bread which has very few cals. But I woud have rather had some fage yogurt with some walnuts. Im not going to obsess over it. Im just going to write out what im eating today down below my post so its set in stone for myself.
Since i starting working tomorrow at 5:30 AM after not working for such a long time I need to set up a schedule and keep to this schedule every single day of the week. Maybe it will be hard at first, maybe not but after two weeks once its a routine it will be easy and i will be happy.
Ideal Schedule:
5:00 leave for work
( have a v8 juice at work and coffee w/skim milk no sug)
9:30 am leave work come straight home put on workout clothes and workout for 30 min.(to start)
10:30 take a shower
11:00 Do chores and everything around the house
12:00 Eat lunch sandwich w/ low fat mayo and cheese and lettuce or just some type of meat preferably turkey
1:00 head to career center spend 2 or 3 hours there everyday
once get home start dinner
meat w/ veggies 1/2 cup of some type of carb
so that would be ideal for me and i think it looks like a pretty simple schedule..obviously there are more things id like to add into it but for now im sticking with plain and simple..
Lunch: 2 pieces of 35 cal bread w/ american cheese 1 slice and 1 slice of ham---NO CHIPS(i need to get rid of the chips in our house!!)
Dinner: Chicken with broccolli and still havnt decided wether to make rice type stir fry or to make it over whole wheat penne pasta with a LITE cream sauce...
Thats my update for now...im sure ill update more later when my head gets filled to the brim with thoughts |
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| ddddd |
[Feb. 25th, 2008|02:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
Wow, its been a long time. I wish I was able to write in here every day it would probly help to get my clustered thoughts out of my head. Things are going pretty horribly in my life right now.
I moved in with my boyfriend to cape cod and youd think that would make everything allright but its not going as planned. I havnt been able to find a job since Iv moved out here. Iv honestly tried applying everywhere and no one is hiring or i just dont get a call back. Maybe it has something to do with my confidence. Iv gained so much weight its incredible, Im just not happy with myself. The way i eat and treat my body now is unbelievable even before when i thought i was at my worst i would have never dreamed of getting this bad. I basically put anything on in the morning that fits me and give two shits about what i look like. Well thats not true, i try and make myself look better but im just so uncomfortable in my own skin. I have like ten double chins. This is no ones fault but myself. I should motivate myself and get out there and work out and just eat healthier. Why dont I> I don know. I feel like iv spent the last 5 years of my life making plans for how i want my life to go and never following through with them. Honestly everyday I wake up and write out my plan for the day and id say 9 out of 10 times I DO NOT FOLLOW THROUGH. Then I use the old excuse that I have add and anxiety so this is why im like this. I went to a psychiatrist once to get evaluated and this is what she came up with but i never ended up taking the medication. I come from a family thats against allmedication...you can fix this problem yourself. I just want to help myself and actually do it...im 25 and i feel like my life is wasting away. I could be really happy right now living on cape cod with my boyfriend in a cute little cottage. But im not. Im unhappy with him also but i just blame my own self hatred for that. I know that if i just stuck to the shit i wrote down or thought of it would be so much better. Yet thats the hardest part for me...why am i making it so hard for myself i honestly feel as if im making it harder then it really is. Well thats it for now, id like to update every day but who knows if thats going to happen. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 26th, 2007|07:53 am] |
im obsessed with looking at weight loss pictures on line. It is seriously addicting and motivating. I need to lose weight, its almost summer, im almost 25 and right now i dont even look in the mirror. I am literally in the prime time of my life and i just throw on big shirt big pants no makeup sometiems dont even brush my hair. Iv just gained so much weight, i dont know how i let myself get this way, but iv lost a lot of weight before so i know i can do it easily, but it takes a lot of work. It takes two weeks of following it religiously then its a breeze from there.
i am currently like 168 which is seriusly disgusting, this is the highest weight iv ever been in my life. I was at 130 a year and a half ago, i know i can lose a good 30 pounds in 4 months.....which is....by the end of august..and i would be at...138......my actual goal has always been 120, i just want to be there, i know id look great at that weight, its a realistic weight for m height(5'6) i know its on the light side but its in my BMI range and i want to get there. Its healthier to be skinnier anyway, and iv seen people lose this much weight before.I know how to do this i just need to put my mind to it. Iv been doing well with food for the past coupe of days, but now it jut has to become something where this is what im doing and thats it, no giving in to anything, its just food...i used to be so good wiht it, i need to get to the point where i know what it means to be just satisfied from food and be fine and not have to stuff myself |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|09:34 pm] |
ok so today i believe i did something idiotic. I have some good friends well two good friends that were friends before i was friends with them..they were friends way back. something happened at work with one of my friends and i made a big deal out of basically nothing. I just ingored her. Yeah there was some stuff that was annoying me from before but she didnt do anything wrong. I just basically alienated myself from everyone and made myself feel like even more shit, and then just built shit up in my head. i do this all of the time. I hate being fake and cheery, i cant do it. Maybe this is how people naturally are but in a lot of cases id rather be alone...but then when im alone i bitch to myself about everyone else. I dont know why i do this. Iv had tons of fucked up friends in the past. anyways i just made abig deal about nothing...met her other friend(whos alos my friend at a bar, saw that she was there and waited in the parking lot and didnt go in) i was just stupid and made it a huge deal even though it was nothing and then eventually they were like what is going on? i called them later on and had to apologize and they were really nice to me about it and were like dont hide anything from us and shit, so basically i feel like a goddamn idiot. I dont know why i do this. And i do it a lot. I let things build up, let people walk all over me then eventually i just get really pissed and ignore people and would rather not deal with them ever again. Then i am so forgiving and nice when they apologize or are nice to me. And i feel bad right now. i just feel wierd, like its gonna be wierd tomorrow. I hate shit like this. like what am i gonna say when i see her...this is the Stupid meaningless shit that i get anxiety about
other then that iv just recently over the past 2 months started seeing a therapist who suggested i get analyzed by a psychiatrist to see if i need medicine.
after one visit for about an hour she came to the conclusion that i have add and anxiety disorder.
she gave me some medicine to take..stratterra...for the add to start--she wanted to give me ritalin but is holding off for now because im psycho about taking medicines and i didnt want to be all jumpy and shit and iv heard a lot of bad things about this medicine
i know that a lot of people are diagnosed with add all of the time...i dont want to take this medicine...im freaking out...is it worth the try?
id rather have started out with the anxiety/depression medicine..i believe she said she was gonna give me lexapro..she asked if i wanted to help the add or anxiety first i said whatever will get me motivated...but now i think id rather treat the anxiety first.
im scared of taking an antidepressant though because iv read horrible things about those as well.
saying u can get into mania episodes which freaks me out becausei do get very very high on life at times and then have my hard core lows
if someone has bipolar they should not go on these medicines
and whos to say im not bipolar, i only met with her for an hour
she had me fill out these stupid papers(like what u fill out online to see if u have certain disorders)
i dont know really anymore..theres to much stuff going through my head right now that im thinking about, this isnt even half of everything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2006|10:20 am] |
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well today is my second day of this and imgoing strong. I had a little mishap yesterday just because i had to try the pasta (for the kids i babysit) to make sure it was finished. Other then that I am doing really well. I am not going to weigh myself until thursday(before i leave for thanksgiving). My goals for today are just to stay focused and be strong and not give in to cravings and food. I know in a week its going to become even harder but i am going to do this. This is the only way that i will becom happy with myself. |
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| long time no post! |
[Nov. 20th, 2006|12:08 pm] |
I havnt posted in a long time because iv been disgusted in myself. I havnt had interest in really anything lately except gorging myself on things like foood drinking..smoking. This is a plea to myself to get better. I have never been so depressed in my life. I wake up every day hating the morning and putting on the baggiest clothes possible not even looking at my reflection and just stumble out of the house. I hate myself right nowbecause i have no passion for anything i just drone on and drone on. I have left myself get so out of control w/eating its crazy. I am now the heaviest i have ever been in my life. I need to be strong, to get back on track and to prove to myself that i am worthy. I need to take care of myself and be confident in who i am. I need to find passion in things. I need to change. So like i did so many years ago when i changed my life......I am starting a plan...a plan that i will not change around...that i will not give myself easy excuses out. I will do this..and i will be proud of myself. The first three weeks are the hardest so those are the weeks i know i have to be the strongest..no excuse will get me out of anything...this is the way it will be.
Plan:
Breakfast 2 pieces of whole wheat bread w/ fat free cream cheese/ketchup/egg whites/jam
Lunch/Snack one piece of fruit/pickle/slice of FF cheese
Dinner Big salad w/a palm sized piece of lean meat -also can have small cup of veggies(no dressing)/soup(can have 1 tablespoon of dressing on big salad)
Right now I probably weigh anywhere between 155-160
My goals
November 30-154
December 31- 147
january 31- 141
February 28- 135
march 31- 129
April 30- 124
May 31 - 120
This is what i have so far...im sure it wont come off as easily after the first two months...but iv gone from 155 to 130 in two months before so i know that it is doable!!
If anyone has any feedback that would be great? Does this look doable? |
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| goals |
[Mar. 9th, 2006|12:26 pm] |
Well now since i have a set job and basically an idea of what i want to do in the future i should feel more at ease with myself.These are my goals
1. over the next six months(ending in august) I want to lose 5 pounds a month...which is an extremely easy goal considering i lost so much more weight a month before. So this can be easily done.IV already started for this month by the end of the monthi want to get down to 145.Right now im probly at 152ish though(which is because of my period...and iv been eating late--which is changing today---im buying already made chicken so i can bring a salad to work everyday)
2.By the end of the six months to fit into a LOSE size five. When i was at 128 i fit into a TIGHT size five....so once im 120 or 118 it should be lose.
3. To start working out and eating more healthily. I want to feel healthy and be healthy. I want to wake up every day feeling sure of myself and positive. DRINK MORE GREEN TEA.Get all my nutrients in.
ill write more in later i actually really need to go! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 27th, 2006|09:35 am] |
allright well i guess im back..that was quick
IV really gained weight, iv really been drinking,smoking to much.
Iv made up so many excuses not to quit smoking but its stupid.
Whenever i smoke i feel like shit, a horrible headache and it doesnt make me feel better.
The way i smoke now doesnt make me feel better. If i was to have two ciggarrettes a day then it would be fine...buti know i cant do that i dont have that self control. Maybe in the future i will. Im quitting smoking for good. Im never going to buy a pack again. If Im out with friends and we're all drunk...yeah ill let myself have a ciggarrette. But never buying a pack again. Drinking is also a huge enemy of mine. I drink way to much for no reason. Its basicly gotten to the point whre drinking isnt fun at all and i feel like shit every morning and im gassy and burpy and cause iv been drinking beer, iv gained weight. Iv also been eating an incredicble amount. I mean not even caring anytmore. basicly not even caring about life anymore. Im sick of it. Iv been writing in a journal(on real paper) but its so much easier to write on this considering im on the computer def. multiple times during the day. I really should just write in this. Im going back onto the diet i was originally on that turnd me around and made me healthy and in control.
My goal is to lose 6-7 pounds a month. I know that the first month will most likely be more then 6 pounds because your body always reacts like that. Im going to do this exaclty how i did it before not change anything. I didnt start working out until agter the first 3 weeks which helped me lose weight, I kinda hitt a platuea and then my body was burning more cals from working out so i dropped weight really fast. Im sure it will take me about 6 or 7 months to get to my goal weight. I know that ill reach 130 really fast...and then it will slow down to like 4 pounds a month after that...which im fine with. As long as i get out of the 40's right away!!! I dont want to make this a fast diet that i lose large amount of weight unhealthily. This is going to be my lifelong diet plan so i can take it slow and steady.WITHOUT smoking WITHOUT drinking. Im only letting myself drink wine or hard liquor on this diet. Im not leting myself go oout unless its a special occasion or im going out to dinner or something. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 22nd, 2006|06:20 pm] |
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starting tomorrow im going to resign from coming on here for a while. Iv realized ive becoime addicted to seeing how people lose weight and everything insteradf of concentrating on myself. In some ways it makes me eat more...i dont know why..im just addicted to it and everything else in my life. So i want to stop. I dont think its healthy for me to look at all of these people starving themselves to lose weight and obsessing and obsessing about it every day. Its making me do the same...but not even succeeding. Ill just eat nothing and then expect to stick to it? thts impossible. Im not going to stop coming on here completely. Probly once a week or so. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 15th, 2006|04:47 pm] |
i have not posted in FOR-EVA
iv been slowly going downhill in life
but its gotta pick up
i cant keep on wasting my life away
I want to lose weight
I want to MAKE MONEY
I want to work at a job that I LIKE
I want to move out
I want to become HEALTHY
Basicly i want the lifestyle i had about 3 years ago...i dont know what happened
im wasted the most precious years of my life to sit around and do NOTHING all day.
Its time for this to end.
I just want to wake up every morning and feel happy and content
I know not every morning of everyones life is like this but....i wake up every morning depressed about something
I think im just lazy....i can turn this around in a day....iv lived most of my life being ACTIVE
so this is like a ......2 year phase?
I need to get up off my ass and do something with myself instead of talking about it, i need to actually do it.
well..im going to try and post daily....i know i can its just that i never want to when im depressed.
I can get through this....and it will be easy.
I just have to stick to it for a month and make it a way of life. |
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| miss the feeling |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|05:52 am] |
I used to love the feeling of waking up and being motivated for my day---and just excited that a new day is begining. I used to challenge myself with my restriction and losing weight. I was always busy and doing something-keeping productive
Now i do nothing. I just lounge around--use the computer waaaaaaaaay to much and eat and drink.
This needs to stop.
Im working the drinking out of me right now becaause i know thats teh main cause of this.
maybe ill go for longer then a month--whatever i feel is neccesary. Once i start again i want to drink in moderation---once a week with friends--and never go overboard--because whats teh point of it...i end up feeling like shit and the night is worth 2 or three hours of fun.
its not for me anymore iv done it to much. Maybe a drunken night once every six months but none of this twice a week....and drinking EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
This is why i need to take this month of not drinking--to get the feeling of it out of my system
gradually ill take smoking out but i drinking is the main problem.
I just always do things to extreme i dont know why--i cant do things in moderation.
I used to be able to do things in moderation but now i dont know how to controlit
well i guess i can----everything is a mind game--
for right now im going to control my diet and smoking--drinking is completely out so i dont even have to think about it.
I have some pot to and i dont mind if i smoke it because it eases me--i dont smoke a lot either just a little--puts me in a good mood and it actually motivates me
anyways well im off towork for my first day--as long as i know this is the first of many to come i will stay positive
i know i made my mistakes i know how to fix them
whats stopping me?
nothing |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|05:29 am] |
allright
another morning that im waking up depressed
I dont know what my problem is
I think i have a drinking problem
-last night i drank a whole bottle of wine=
the thing is iv been drinking like 3=4 glasses of wine a night
and im not even with my friends half of htese times
I need to stop i really think im overdoing it
what should i do?
i feel like this is stopping me from everything
i always eat when im drinking
also i wake up and feel like total shit cause i drank number one and because i ate a ton
and i never get anything accomplished when i drink
i just get so bored after the day is over
that its either go to sleep or drink--or ill just read in bed.
I know i should replace that with exersizing
anyways today is my first day of work that i was all excited about and now i feeel like shit
I need to realize this is ruining my life. I know it is and i need to make a stand before it gets to late
From Today August 30th until September 30th--I WILL NOT HAVE ANY ALCOHOL---
That and my diet restriction is all im setting up for myself
other then that ill let myself smoke---as long as it stops me from drinking
I need to do this for a month---it doesnt matter whats going on--this is bad and its ruinging me |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 25th, 2005|07:11 am] |
well i reached my sunday weight already and its only thursday.
I havnt been sticking to the diet exactly but iv definitely been restricting more-
I want to stick to the diet though becvuse i want it to come off faster, i still feel really fat--once i get to 135 ill start feeling my normal self and then i just have 15 more pounds from there---im hoping by september 6 i will get to 135--i know thats gonna be hard but im going to work really hard at it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 23rd, 2005|05:45 am] |
Ok well I stuckto the diet yesterda y but not completely. I had a tiny bit of chocolate and a cracker with cheese-
I wish i hadnt done that because i know i would have lost more weight.
I have lost half a pound....which is ok but i should have lost more!
Well anyways I dont want to go off the diet anymore i just want to stick to it.
So today im planning on having..
Fruit or hard boiled egg for breakfast
Lunch a small salad w/balsamic vinegar---or a fruit
and dinner i bought gardenburgers that have only 80 cals in them! and ill have some ketchup and maybe a little lettuce on the side---
so that wouldbe about 400 cals for the whole day.
Sounds good0--i hope i drop a pound tomorrow-
I know if i stick to thisi i will
I NEED TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2005|04:50 am] |
Well today is the start of a new begining,
I atde like crazy yesterday therefore it will be easier to start this diet.
My plan is this:
Food---breakfast--either yogurt/granola bar/or fruit--no more then 100 cals--
Lunch--salad/fruit---w/no dressing.....
dinner: small piece of protein w/salad no dressing
and lots of water
of course occasionally i can switch up the meals--three times a week either going above the cals im eating or below just to keep my metabolism going/
Im also going to walk 4 days a week for one hour of speed walking.
Drink tons of water
My plan is to lose about 2.5 pounds a week but i definitely could lose more then that im just setting a low goal to keep myself motivated and there will be some weeks i only get to that.
Monday August 22nd: Weight: 144
Monday August 29th: Weight: 141.5
Monday September 5th Weight:139
Monday September 12thWeight : 136.5
Monday September 19th Weight: 134
monday Septmeber 26th Weight: 131.5
monday October 3rd Weight: 129
Mondaqy October 10th Weight : 126.5
Monday October 17th Weight: 124
Monday October 24th Weight :121.5
Monday October 31st Weight : 119
Monday November 7th Weight : 116.5
Monday November 14th Weight: 114
I do not think I want to get down to 114 but im just mapping it up to that point just in case.
Othger then starting my diet plan everything else is going well. I am going to school to become a nurse which is really exciting because i think that i will definitely like it.
I need to find a job immediatly but i dont want to work inside at an office or in retail--im obsessed with being outside and taking care of animals--i have a small job that i do that with but i dont make much money---my goal is to make at least 400 dollars a week so ican save while im gooing to school.
I will be updating later on in the day---
adios |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2005|03:21 am] |
Ok well
So much has happened.
Bad stuff.
Life threatening things.
I have had to stop Drinking,smoking--everything bad.
This is a reason for me not to continue.
Every habit iv had---iv had to quit
Even myboufriend(now ex).
This should and has given me all the reason to stay off of them
Im starting my diiiet today.
I havnt made any effort to startt it for the past few weeks
Now I will start it and i wont stop until i reach 118. Probly should take about 3-4 months
I have so many reasons to do this for myself.
I definitely owe it to myself.
I want to be happy for once and i know how to do it.
I cant be afraid of success anymore--iv felt failure to the extreme. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|07:31 am] |
Today is the start of a new begining.
Iv been through this to much.
Just waking up feeling like hell not wanting the dayt to begin.
Why do I put myself through torture?
If I want to be happy I need to stick to these relatively easy normal things.
If I dont do this my life will never change and become better.
I am doing this, all it takes is one week of sticking to it and then it becomes easy, its the first week thats hard.
Today I WILL do this--
I dont know what else to tell myself im delaying the inevetiable.
Maybe i should be nicer to myself i always force these things upon myself.
But its for my good, if i stick to this i will be so happy.
please do this..for yourself.
In three weeks you will be a different person, even two weeks you will have changed a lot, thats all it takes
you know yourself.
Just do it and become happy
stop living in your own misery. |
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